Steam of Consciousness #2: Oh OK

So much on my mind, so much in the air, why is air invisible, why doesn't it smell, I can't wait to hold something solid, I can't wait until I'm standing in the sun, the sun, why doesn't it seem real when I can't see it, am I really that simple that I could buy a happy light at the store and it would make me happier, I guess that's OK because I'm starting to drop this bullshit notion that love is emotional and sex is physical and not the opposite at the same time, I wish I could just run vertically and take a step back and I think computer programming is a good masculine thing to do, don't you? What do you mean you want a man who cuts down trees for a living, oh ok whatever you want, oh ok you actually want someone who looks like he's 12 years old, well I can be that too, oh ok you actually want someone who looks rugged like they've got some experience, oh ok i'll try, oh ok you want a man who can provide for you well don't you worry i've been trying real hard, oh ok you really just want someone who will make you laugh well ok i can make my sister laugh, oh ok why don't you want me i swear i'm trying my best oh ok you don't want someone who tries oh ok well i guess i'm still just a kid and i thought i'd have this figured out by now but it's hard to figure out how to be in a romance when you're never in one and it's kind of like not being able to get a job when you don't have experience and i guess i shouldn't show my cards but what else have i really got to go on so i guess i'll fake it til i make it and bla bla bla and i really just want someone to build sandcastles with and tear them down well really i want someone for much more than that but i wish i could make you get what i mean. i wish i could know what you want, i really do, i wish i could just know with quiet confidence that i have enough to make you happy and you're not just that ever-just-beyond-my-reach suited person with a clipboard, i swear one day i'm gonna steal that fucking clipboard and everything will be better and you and i will draw stupid little doodles on that lipboard but for right now you stare at me over it and i get it because sometimes i'm the one behind the clipboard and i'm evaluating people too and i'm pretty picky myself but if i can't hold it against you that you don't like me and i don't want you to hold it against me that i don't like you then where does this end? What is the last thing before the drain at the bottom of the ocean? What will catch us? What will catch us? Who programmed this? They didn't cover all the bases.