Stream of Consciousness #7: Staying Up So I Can Learn How To Go To Bed

Less is more, what's in store? Honeybunch, honeycomb, sweet and stupid names, little pieces of nothing that fall, so much nothing nothing nothing things come out of nowhere, but all these things fall away when I look at you, all these things fall away, a conversation I've been waiting to have for years, only to realize you really didn't care, or did you? All these things fall away, all these things fall away, oh these thorns in my side, oh these thorns in my side, I've been filling my mind with poison that I know won't corrupt me until it counts, I'm always mortgaging tomorrow, why do I do that?

What if there really is nothing to worry about, all these things fall away. I was so worried about running into walking shadows but all these things fall away. I was finding ways to trip myself up, but you tripped me up and said all these things fall away. I was looking for a hole, and fell through the other side, you said all these things fall away, away to me.

I was running down a winding road and the sun was falling, I wished that I could stay, I didn't know my name, I couldn't feel my toes, but you said all these things fall away.

All these things fall away, will I only ever be OK, and yes I want to be OK for once.

Before I worry that I'll only ever be OK and no more maybe I should try to just be OK for once.

Before you turn the light out on me can you will away the one thing on my mind? 'Cause I'm a man and there is strength in my hand but I'm a child that needs to be told sometimes. Well I hope you don't mind, I could use a little nurture and maybe this wasn't the future your daddy wished for you to make my worries rhyme.

Stream of Consciousness #6 - Possibilities

When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around. Got nothing in my mind nothing in my pocket, can I just write song lyrics this whole time, is that OK? I write about sand a lot, Florida was cool, wish I could still be there, doing handstands, Sand City, wish I could hold you right now, hold you tonight, save tonight, fight the break of dawn, oh the things I can't even write on here. Fragile eyes, take the lead, fragile eyes, you will heal them, to look on something that heals your eyes, why do I feel like my well is dry?

Possibilities, potential, mapping out potential like a blueprint, the gravity of the waste, the snap of the wrist, the wasted time, the wasted time, the frisbee days, the parking lot, ooh, that's a good one for the file called nostalgia, the empty parking lots and the sledding hill by the high school baseball/softball fields, singing out and hearing your voice echo back at you, the uninaugural season, the menu, and such, and such...potential dripping out from mistakes, disorder, a disorder that makes you allergic to disorder, everything is always in disorder, that's entropy...potential like the wild and anxious animals, fecundity, we could have a lot of children and raise them all different like experiments, that's a horrible idea. Potential latent in the laws of physics, like a gyroscope, like all the different characters that get a variable in physics class...energy, momentum, force, torque, charge, velocity, radioactivity, magnetic flux...all of those guys. All of those guys in a room drinking beers...all of the things. All of dem. It's not coming, it's not flowing.

Possibilities, my mind is blocking them out because it knows so many of them are bad ones, but you have to be open, you have to be open, you have to swallow the sky, that kind of open, Mario's island in the sky, that's where I want to go and watch the world, check out the Chain Chomp and whoever that was shooting all those giant freaking water ball things or whatever they were. Gravity getting twisted like in Super Mario Galaxy, wish I could play like that, make my own room and turn the gravity on and off as I pleased, or build a room that was a giant jungle gym for adults...does that exist, a jungle gym for adults? I actually really want to go to one now...I will see to that at some point.

Possibilities, potential latent, potential energy, potential energy between you and me, more cliche chemical metaphors, everything is so cliche and bla bla bla...we'll build a bridge across the sea and back...uh, Bono, why would you need to build a bridge back? Just wondering...

Potential, other words for potential, possibilities, perhaps, perchance, happenstance, fragments slipping through my memory, the life of the mind, dreamgirl, will I see her tonight? Maybe I should just go to sleep? Maybe I'm trying to steal too much? Characters in the physics book, frisbees, rollercoasters, the phonograph, the wildcard, the great American wildcard, the fireworks, that one thing that's just there like it's from outer space but everyone just acts like it's cool whatever.

Stream of Consciousness #5: Swallow It

Swallow the sky swallows in the sky look like hammers flying like boomerangs which I never understood, did you? How something could come back to you, how many things have I thrown that will just be coming back in the middle of the night tomorrow and I will have forgotten all about them, I wish you were my boomerang and I know that's already a song lyric but it's a good one and it wasn't fleshed out totally. How many people will I be before I die, I hate thinking about death but it's been unavoidable recently. Talking bout nothing, not thinking bout death, I used to think that line was so mature, so good but even then I didn't think about death, or I had this haughty attitude toward it or something, or maybe I had the perfect attitude, how did I become so fucked up over time, I swear if I could go back to being 16...how did I become so much wiser in some ways but so much more like a scared little kid in other ways? I really don't know and when did this become a trip to the psychologist or me fessing up well I guess it works that way when you spit your thoughts on a page. Page, page, Steven Page, I wish you wouldn't have left BNL, Page and Robertson is a classic like peanut butter and jelly and you guys should be able to be immortal somehow and I wish people would just all love Jesus but why don't they? I wish we could all get along but I know that's foolish but not really it's just foolish to have such a whitewashed idea of peace but is it so hard to believe that it could happen and does Jesus really reach more people's hearts than we think and we're just too caliced to understand that but I guess not because some people really do reject him outright and I sound like a five year old girl but I wish I could dream like one so that's OK. I wish I was a neutron bomb for once I could go off, I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on, for anyone who reads this know that sometimes I just put in lyrics from random songs and not all of these words are mine, but most of them are, I want to run through the wormhole into the wires, getting your water through a wire like eupghsl whatever that is, it's actually a kind of soap, soap that has water in it, like a jelly-filled doughnut, a shower that comes in solid form, the floodgates open, the rainbow is buried and the color can't be found, the clouds are in the trees and they're too tired to go back up so we push them but they're just depressed man, why do you have to pressure them? I don't know why sometimes I well really all the time need to find something to despair about but maybe it's just some disease and I'll shake it off somehow, that's where it starts, the things that you think are no big deal somehow do seem to be no big deal, but when someone tells you it's no big deal and you get pissed off it becomes a big deal, but it's not your fault if they don't say it nice, and I've already thought about this before I know I know, lamp shades are interesting.

Stream of Consciousness #4: Analog

Keep freaking out like I hit someone with a car which leads me to wonder why do I drive a lethal weapon around everywhere and I keep thinking there's tiny people sleeping in snow piles but I know that's silly but why can't I stop thinking it, maybe I just need to start walking everywhere which would first mean I would need to move someplace where I could do that and still be functional like not the moon. I feel like maybe I'm coming into my own in a whole other way though, but what does that phrase even mean? It implies that what you acheive is something you already have like it's waiting there for you I guess. I don't know, I just want to hang out down here forever in my cave but I want everything to be the same when I get back, which probably is not a very original thought at all but maybe they never I don't know. IDs, keys, monkey rings, encrypted passwords, puzzles that only you know about, everything is codified, my DNA, that's crazy, the world really is written in code, God is totally a programmer, there's two versions of reality, one is in code and one is in analog, but really life is definitely in analog.

Stream of Consciousness #3: The Sponge

I'm like a sponge getting ready to do what sponges do which is burst at least in my mind but that's not what they really do is it, they just absorb some of the stuff that's around them and release some of the stuff they had already absorbed like, yeah, that's probably what I'm like and that's what I'm scared of because I've had so much to say but I've just been holding it in, thinking no I can't go there because then I've got to wade through how I'm feeling, then I've got to keep thinking that I'm not OK but if I can just make it one more day and make the time that I'm not feeling OK into yesterday and not today and I can write about it like it was yesterday and not today then I'll be golden, then I won't have to answer questions like are you OK and I can just be like I went through a time in my life when this and this happened to me but it's all cool now man, it's all cool and they'll be like cool and I won't have to cry on stranger's shoulders and I can be strong like the rugged old mountains, oh the things they've seen, and oh the storms they've endured but now they're cool man, now they got it handled, they're young and old at the same time, there's nothing that can throw them. Well fuck that because I'm sick of letting everything in my mind rot or fly away or whatever that stuff does, gonna start putting the pen to the paper, the finger to the keyboard, the fist to the punching bag. I want to build my own mountain out of these words and make you pretty jealous or something like that but I don't actually want to make you stay jealous I just want to make you think it for a minute and then I'll be like hey man come up my mountain and you won't remember that you were jealous but maybe the fact that you were jealous for just a second will mean something. Dude I really don't want you to be jealous I just want you to hang out on my mountain and not wish you were hanging out on someone else's mountain OK? So is it all cool man? It's all cool man, it was cool cool, it was just all cool, but now it's over for me and no don't say it's over, don't dream it's over, stay forever and a day, that extra day makes all the difference, it really does, that's the day when all the cards are laid out, the day we laugh about what happened and watch the tape sitting around a big old coffee table with m&ms in little bowls.

Steam of Consciousness #2: Oh OK

So much on my mind, so much in the air, why is air invisible, why doesn't it smell, I can't wait to hold something solid, I can't wait until I'm standing in the sun, the sun, why doesn't it seem real when I can't see it, am I really that simple that I could buy a happy light at the store and it would make me happier, I guess that's OK because I'm starting to drop this bullshit notion that love is emotional and sex is physical and not the opposite at the same time, I wish I could just run vertically and take a step back and I think computer programming is a good masculine thing to do, don't you? What do you mean you want a man who cuts down trees for a living, oh ok whatever you want, oh ok you actually want someone who looks like he's 12 years old, well I can be that too, oh ok you actually want someone who looks rugged like they've got some experience, oh ok i'll try, oh ok you want a man who can provide for you well don't you worry i've been trying real hard, oh ok you really just want someone who will make you laugh well ok i can make my sister laugh, oh ok why don't you want me i swear i'm trying my best oh ok you don't want someone who tries oh ok well i guess i'm still just a kid and i thought i'd have this figured out by now but it's hard to figure out how to be in a romance when you're never in one and it's kind of like not being able to get a job when you don't have experience and i guess i shouldn't show my cards but what else have i really got to go on so i guess i'll fake it til i make it and bla bla bla and i really just want someone to build sandcastles with and tear them down well really i want someone for much more than that but i wish i could make you get what i mean. i wish i could know what you want, i really do, i wish i could just know with quiet confidence that i have enough to make you happy and you're not just that ever-just-beyond-my-reach suited person with a clipboard, i swear one day i'm gonna steal that fucking clipboard and everything will be better and you and i will draw stupid little doodles on that lipboard but for right now you stare at me over it and i get it because sometimes i'm the one behind the clipboard and i'm evaluating people too and i'm pretty picky myself but if i can't hold it against you that you don't like me and i don't want you to hold it against me that i don't like you then where does this end? What is the last thing before the drain at the bottom of the ocean? What will catch us? What will catch us? Who programmed this? They didn't cover all the bases.

Stream of Consciousness #1: Fragile Eyes

My eyes are so fragile could there be the one thing that would make me see forever straight and narrow like an arrow don't want to be tied to the ground unless the ground is the only place I can be want to be tied to righteousness like a ship going to the top of a mountain during a flood where the heavens came through the roof of my imagination like a painting I drew when I was just a kid it's finally over on a rollercoaster like a drop of paint in my veins bleeding like a hurricane in a mansion where we're playing hide and seek riding my bike up a stream of smoke into the clouds and riding around like Super Monkey Ball and super funny crawling on our hands and knees trying to find our keys, whispering things to each other and getting tired of each others' jokes, need to go back to school to figure out some new tricks, some new lines, why didn't they ever teach me how to talk, how to walk, how to use drafting software, how to talk to girls, how to talk to girls, how to do all these things and now I'm walking out the door again at the end of the party and I'm not saying goodbye because I finally realized that no one cares I'm leaving and it's OK and why is it OK and does it ever get any deeper than this and I'm driving home and there's a faint dim light from the highway lights and it barely scratches the sky and why does it seem like the darkness is winning, like we just carved out a little corner of the darkness and we're all huddling together but any day it's going to fall down, and we're all just scared to talk about it, not the darkness like evil but the darkness like the cold, unknown, the blanket that keeps slipping over your foot and you know you could get a good night's sleep if you could just get your shit together and your brain would cooperate, is there any kind of curse worse than waking up like a dog, like an instrument that just got played too much, like a tape that somehow didn't rewind?